@causticbob

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

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@duumb

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

@SteveKoehler22

If you use a wrong word in a tweet
and a grammar nazi loses his shit-

Try these consoling words :
“Their, there, they’re. It’ll be okay”

@dougbies

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

@WillGlenwright

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

@5hael

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

@stephenjmolloy

Me: I’m not going to drink in 2017

*in hospital 3 days later*

Doctor: You have to drink water you idiot

@BuiltToTopple

You two, right there. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be coming home with me.

*points at hotel towels*

@kibblesmith

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.