@BonaFideIntent

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

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@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

@Playing_Dad

[3am]
*nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he’s like a million years old.

@wildethingy

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

@Heather2Go

To support all you Movember guys, I’m not shaving my legs this month. To be honest, I probably won’t shave in Mecember or Manuary either.

@Conchvegas1

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

@mattingebretson

I hate when a grocery clerk judges you for what you put on the checkout belt. I found that dead cat behind YOUR store & now I want to buy it

@EffdotEss

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

@ImFunnyMang

And on the 32nd day, God had forgotten to end his free trial, so he was charged for the month.