“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
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[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
AM I BEING GASLIT????
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.