Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
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That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
thank god
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.