“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
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Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day