@pattymo

“And the guy’s name was Anthony WEINER? Come on” – high school AP U.S. history student, 2046

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@ArfMeasures

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

@crunchenhanced

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

@dxblarssonENG

I hate when my tattoo guy asks if he can take pics for his website and then I wake up the next day realising I don’t have any tattoos.

@GrantTanaka

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

@Hellaphantitis

“So let’s name the turtles after the most influential artists and their sensei we’ll name after this lil piece of wood stuck in my foot”

@callie_cakes

Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.

Because. They. Will. Explain. It.

@MurphyMcLachlan

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

@LostFelicia

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

@gojarbe

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”