[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
“And the guy’s name was Anthony WEINER? Come on” – high school AP U.S. history student, 2046
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
I hate when my tattoo guy asks if he can take pics for his website and then I wake up the next day realising I don’t have any tattoos.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
“So let’s name the turtles after the most influential artists and their sensei we’ll name after this lil piece of wood stuck in my foot”
Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.
Because. They. Will. Explain. It.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Money is the root of all larger amounts of money.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”