MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
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Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
“HELP WITH CAT”
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.