HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
And the he told me he was kilt shopping.
So, apparently I’m married to Braveheart.
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Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I don’t want to have sex with you, but I don’t want anyone else to either.
teacher: your son doesn’t understand art
me: ok ill give him drugs
me: emotional trauma?
me: abandonment issues?
me: it seems to me like you’re the one who doesn’t understand art
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Opening a bag of M&M’s will produce no sound to a normal human. A toddler, it’s like the atomic blast at Nagasaki to those creatures