@Mulva74

And the he told me he was kilt shopping.
So, apparently I’m married to Braveheart.

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@TrueTorontoGirl

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

@UnimpressedWU

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

@yeaanotherchris

I don’t want to have sex with you, but I don’t want anyone else to either.

-marriage

@robots_feel

teacher: your son doesn’t understand art

me: ok ill give him drugs

teacher: no

me: emotional trauma?

teacher: no

me: abandonment issues?

teacher: no

me: it seems to me like you’re the one who doesn’t understand art

@aissalanis

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

@chi73girl

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

@Phook75

Opening a bag of M&M’s will produce no sound to a normal human. A toddler, it’s like the atomic blast at Nagasaki to those creatures