And the he told me he was kilt shopping.
So, apparently I’m married to Braveheart.

You Might Also Like


HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.


Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?


My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.


I don’t want to have sex with you, but I don’t want anyone else to either.



teacher: your son doesn’t understand art

me: ok ill give him drugs

teacher: no

me: emotional trauma?

teacher: no

me: abandonment issues?

teacher: no

me: it seems to me like you’re the one who doesn’t understand art


Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.


My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.


Opening a bag of M&M’s will produce no sound to a normal human. A toddler, it’s like the atomic blast at Nagasaki to those creatures