if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
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If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.