And the headline of the year goes to…

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if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you


If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”


[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable


me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”


They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.


when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy


*Directing cats*

Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?

Stunt cat: you’re telling me!


Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.