I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
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Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence