and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
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it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?