“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
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why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho