And then alcohol said “Put that on facebook, it’s hilarious.”
But alcohol was wrong.
So very wrong.

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“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids


Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.


Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t


When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.


SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid


Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go


Mad scientist- Checks for Labs
Bartender- Checks for Tabs
Boxer- Checks for Jabs
Uber- Checks for Cabs
Your back – Checks for Stabs


[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night


Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.