@edgeoftheword

And then alcohol said “Put that on facebook, it’s hilarious.”
But alcohol was wrong.
So very wrong.

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@Marlebean

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

@bluntphilip

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

@JoshuaTurek

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

@007Pepe_Rex

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

@actioncookbook

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

@daemonic3

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

@FreudsTwin

Mad scientist- Checks for Labs
Bartender- Checks for Tabs
Boxer- Checks for Jabs
Uber- Checks for Cabs
Your back – Checks for Stabs

@mrjohndarby

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

@AndyAsAdjective

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.