And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
You Might Also Like
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc