And then God made Saturn.

And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

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Can you imagine how awesome sprinkles would be if they tasted like anything?!


*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”


Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?


They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.


A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”


WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock


Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.


My family is starting to catch on to my “I died” excuse.