And then God made Saturn.

And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

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I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.


[about to have sex]
WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?!
[cut to]
ME: *making balloon animals at work*
[cut back]
ME: affair



Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign


A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.


Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”


My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter


[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.


The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.


It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.