@LostFelicia

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

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@hazelmotes1

Neck Tattoos: helping employers make hiring decisions since 1992.

@AngelaEhh

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

@mrjohndarby

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

@LouisPeitzman

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

@murrman5

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

@lisaxy424

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

@summerlvn82

*I take out the car keys*

Him: Where are you going?

Me: Who knows? I’m a wild creature that can’t be tamed, I could end up anywhere

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Walgreens.

@jdforshort

If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert

@SalaciousSully

Dear Americans: It’s called snow. It’s cold and wet, but can’t hurt you from inside the house. It has no opposable thumbs. #AskCanada