And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

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Neck Tattoos: helping employers make hiring decisions since 1992.


Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?


Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?


Me: Beer.


went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security


If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.


[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS


Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.


*I take out the car keys*

Him: Where are you going?

Me: Who knows? I’m a wild creature that can’t be tamed, I could end up anywhere




Me: Walgreens.


If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert


Dear Americans: It’s called snow. It’s cold and wet, but can’t hurt you from inside the house. It has no opposable thumbs. #AskCanada