And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
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“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.