[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
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I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Important
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair