And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
You Might Also Like
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes