And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
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I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH