I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
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I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things