You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
You Might Also Like
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Jogging
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time