And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
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*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Meow
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Friday
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken