And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
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Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.