And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
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First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.