And then the Lord said unto thee “any social media site besides Facebook asking for prayers shall go unanswered.”
Matthew 4:23

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Hey you know what will go good with all that beer you just drank? Social media and a camera phone!


if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.


[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft


Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.


What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir


Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.


*walking in forest*
*tree falls and makes a loud noise*
*tree gets up*
*tree pull a knife on me*
“You didn’t hear SHIT”
*tree runs off*