4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
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Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.