Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
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Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?