…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
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me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Sounds like a bargain
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch