…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

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One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.


Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”


future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more


genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me


me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list


I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.


The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.


On the 5th day god created the Platypus, he then said

“looks cute, might delete later”


I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire