One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
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Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
On the 5th day god created the Platypus, he then said
“looks cute, might delete later”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire