I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
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From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME