@gojarbe

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

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@LlamaInaTux

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

@mrjohntofu

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

@shanethevein

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

@Maxine12333

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

@FrogAvalanche

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

@AnkCoupleTO

[Easter]

Her: Where should I hide the eggs?
Me: Not in your ovaries, I’ve already found two
H: I was referring to our children
M: So was I

@Tmoney68

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.