“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
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*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat