“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
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I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed