“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
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The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.