Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
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If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Contrary to obvious physics, you can’t attach a ceiling fan to your back and fly away like a helicopter.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.