@gojarbe

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

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@LlamaInaTux

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

@trevso_electric

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

@TragicAllyHere

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

@Tommytoughstuff

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

@DanMentos

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

@TheAndrewNadeau

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

@oxygenplug

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

@fightforfood

Contrary to obvious physics, you can’t attach a ceiling fan to your back and fly away like a helicopter.

@ddsmidt

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.