“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
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mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason