and this one
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ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.