@BigBagOfScum

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

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@HomeWithPeanut

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

@Tmoney68

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

@AtticusFinch79

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

@ItsSamG

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

@ruinedpicnic

[buying cucumber and vaseline]
me: got an awesome night planned
clerk: eugh
[later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich]
this is awful

@BonaFideIntent

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

@PaperWash

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

@ArfMeasures

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting