And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
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A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.