I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
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I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Me when someone tries to get to know me
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[buying cucumber and vaseline]
me: got an awesome night planned
[later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich]
this is awful
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting