@juneohara65

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

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@schlimp

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

@Marlebean

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

@phxguy88

A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.

@StarWarsProblms

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

@Wuttercuerk

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

@billcheek26

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

@jimmy_sharpe

Ever accidentally say ‘I love you’ to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.

@allison_mick

FERRET OWNERS: EITHER GET A CAT OR A SNAKE STOP TRYING TO SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE

@Eden_Eats

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.