“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
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“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Cannot stop laughing at this
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
#polloftheday
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.