“You look nice.”
“DO I EVEN MAKE YOU HAPPY?!?”
“Mom told me not to date a goat.”
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
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– I’m here to register for the pessimists’ club.
– Is the glass half empty or half full?
– What glass?
– Gentlemen, we have a new leader!
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
*standing amidst the smouldering wreckage that once was my life
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
“Now, tell me I’m pretty”
-me as a hypnotist