My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
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I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh