“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
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Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
never deleting this app.
Rather alarming headline…
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.