I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
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My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Saving my good tweets for marriage
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?