“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
how much for the angry fruit?
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.