Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
You Might Also Like
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I just ran a .003048K