My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”
“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”
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her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Why are they called library fines and not hush money?
I have the reflexes of a cat, but like if it was stoned.
I just saw something drop into my wine out of the corner of my eye. But the alcohol will kill it, right?
Surround yourself with positive people and positive things will happen. Surround yourself with negative people and say hi to my family.
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
WORKER: so do you want that
WORKER: what else
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.