“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”

“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”

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My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.


her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon


Why are they called library fines and not hush money?


I just saw something drop into my wine out of the corner of my eye. But the alcohol will kill it, right?


Surround yourself with positive people and positive things will happen. Surround yourself with negative people and say hi to my family.


CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
WORKER: so do you want that
WORKER: what else


Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.


Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.