@Vodkantots

“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”

“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”

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@Cpin42

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

@robfromonline

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

@Tups13

Why are they called library fines and not hush money?

@LittleMissAngr1

I just saw something drop into my wine out of the corner of my eye. But the alcohol will kill it, right?

@DaddyJew

Surround yourself with positive people and positive things will happen. Surround yourself with negative people and say hi to my family.

@Chumpstring

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

@ABurgerADay

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

@Contwixt

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.