@HatfieldAnne

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

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@sarcasticmommy4

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

@deeeebag

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

@bornmiserable

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

@SJKSalisbury

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

@SamGrittner

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

@CauseWereGuys

The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.

@justmiche74

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

@joeheenan

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

@baronvonbike

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

@BuckyIsotope

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.