And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
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remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
the Monday after daylight savings
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.