The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
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I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
“You’re an idiot.”
-My wife, after frantically looking around after I scream the word “HAY!” while pointing at hay for the millionth time.
Hello, I’m a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.