…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
You Might Also Like
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣