And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
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I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Happy Caturday!
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Software Development ⛵️
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
what’s really going on
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.