“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
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Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.