“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
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Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it