@DJTannerComedy

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

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@Kauaibride

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

@notalogin

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

@Parkerlawyer

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

@markleggett

If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.

@prontopup

“OMG IT’S RAINING A LITTLE BIT AND NOW I’VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING I’VE EVER KNOWN!!!” – Drivers, apparently.

@3sunzzz

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

@sammyrhodes

Donuts are made from flour.
Flour is made from wheat.
Wheat is a plant.
Plants are vegetables.
Donuts are a vegetable.

@trojansauce

NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him!
ME AS NIETZSCHE’S LAWYER: your honour we’re gonna need a recess

@TheTweetOfGod

“The Bible” running on the History Channel is like “Dragons” running on Animal Planet.

@obiwankesnowbi

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”