settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
You Might Also Like
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
If your rice accidentally gets wet, you can dry it out overnight by placing it in a bowl of cellphones.
“OMG IT’S RAINING A LITTLE BIT AND NOW I’VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING I’VE EVER KNOWN!!!” – Drivers, apparently.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Donuts are made from flour.
Flour is made from wheat.
Wheat is a plant.
Plants are vegetables.
Donuts are a vegetable.
NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him!
ME AS NIETZSCHE’S LAWYER: your honour we’re gonna need a recess
“The Bible” running on the History Channel is like “Dragons” running on Animal Planet.
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”