[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
My teenage children choosing violence
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*