GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
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I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
🎵this shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S
wait!! If if this shit is bananas then that means…
Cut to kid opening lunch box
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.