@bzamayo

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

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@FrazzleMyGimp

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

@heychikabumbum

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

@Ygrene

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

@mdob11

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

@GrantTanaka

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

@davidkenny100

Gwen Stefani:
🎵this shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S
wait!! If if this shit is bananas then that means…

Cut to kid opening lunch box

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

@squirrel74wkgn

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.