Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
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I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
How to make infinite energy.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird